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BETTING MY LIFE FORUM
Christmas is getting close. I can tell because online casinos are beginning to use Santa Claus in their spam; ex-girlfriends are suddenly writing to me, saying what they hope "someone" will give them this year; and my travel agent called me suggesting that I take a holiday trip to one of the world's holy cities: Jerusalem, Rome, or Las Vegas.
One of the first to get into the Yuletide spirit was "Iceman", our neighborhood bookie. On the first of this month he nailed Holly to his door. He told her that she would stay there until she paid off her debt.
If you seek the true meaning of Christmas, however, the place to do it is on the various internet chat channels which are dedicated to gambling. For those of you who are unfamiliar with them, they are places where mature men and women assume childish nicknames and discuss the burning issues of the day -- as shown by this recent exchange from which appeared in the "Betting My Life" forum:
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NavyMom: Great news! My hubby has decided to take me to Monte Carlo for the Christmas vacation.
Boop: What??? How can he do that? He promised to take ME to Reno!!!!
ATGBarb: No problem. Who cares where he goes as long as he can get on line to gamble?
NavyMom: Boop, you must be mistaken. He told me this would be a second honeymoon for us.
Boop: It will be. I was fooling around with him during your first honeymoon as well. Anyhow, I just ICQed him. He didn't lie. He is taking me to Reno. On the way to the flight he is taking you to dinner at the Monte Carlo restaurant in Brooklyn.
Spearmaster: Did you hear about the great Christmas bonus that the Suckers On Line Casino is offering? For each of the 12 days of Christmas that you deposit $100, they will give you a matching bonus!
Boop: Wow! Can I make the deposit using my boyfriend's credit card?
Spearmaster: Which one?
Boop: Which credit card or which boyfriend?
Nightwalker: What are the terms and conditions for cashing out?
Spearmaster: You have to play the deposit and bonus 2006 times, once for each year since the Nativity.
Nightwalker: Isn't that a bit high?
Spearmaster: Don't worry. It's only theoretical. Nobody has ever managed to cash in at Suckers anyhow.
Rainee: What's wrong with you people? Aren't any of you going to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve? I certainly am.
Cherish: I had no idea that you were so religious.
Rainee: What do you mean? Midnight is a small town near Boston, Mass. On Christmas Eve they don't charge for tickets to the Yak Racing Track.
Oysterjell: What does yak racing have to do with Christmas?
TexasHooters: It commemorates the fact that the three wise men rode their yaks to Bethlehem.
Oysterjell: Don't be silly. They had camels.
TexasHooters: How could they have Camels? There were no Camels in ancient Israel. They were lucky if they could even find Marlboros.
Ordie: Aren't we getting away from the meaning of it all? After all, Christmas remembers the miracle of the Virgin Birth.
Sorrelltop: That's right. It was a miracle that a virgin had a child. But it was even more of a miracle that the Lord was able to find a virgin in the first place.
Boop: What do you mean? I am a virgin!
TexasHooters: Sure you are, honey. And I use this nickname because I'm proud of my Dallas owls!
Boop: Well, it's almost true. I would be a virgin -- except that I don't want to violate the Fair Business Practices Act.
Ordie: Why did you change professions anyhow? When we first met you were managing an on line casino.
Boop: It's a sad tale. I was seduced by a man. Josh Wilde whispered into my ear that he had the biggest one I had ever seen. I couldn't help myself and I peeked. I was shocked. I didn't even know that Visa gave credit lines that big!
Ordie: That explains it. I never could figure out what you saw in that weirdo.
Boop: When I ran the credit check on him and found out that his Visa was pre-approved for charges up to 16 million, I was in heaven. I fell in love with him on the spot. Of course, some of his magic seemed to fade when I learned that his card was issued by the Bank of Istanbul and 16 million Turkish lira only equals $10.77.
ATGBarb: I'm ashamed of all of you. Christmas is a time to give. I think we should all chip in and give a generous gift to Jon Kyl.
Sorrelltop: You mean that senator from Arizona who wants to make on line gambling illegal? What would you possibly want to give him?
ATGBarb: I was thinking of a one-way trip back to Phoenix. What a wonderful Christmas that would make for all of us!
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Josh Wilde is the nuttiest gambling satirist on the Net - Got2Bet is proud to
bring you his hilarious wit straight from the loony bin, where he is hiding out
from his former wife, Dementia; his UIG (Used Italian Girlfriend); and 27
bookies, each of whom wants to break one of his legs.
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