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INTERNATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF RELIGIOUS FANATICS
IARF, the International Association of Religious Fanatics, held its first annual meeting in Geneva last week and immediately issued a joint statement declaring gambling to be immoral, against God's will, and the world's greatest threat to humanity.
"Okay," said Rev. Billy Bombast, the Alabama Baptist minister, "what's the second greatest threat to humanity?"
"Ham sandwiches," said Rabbi Avi Macher of Jerusalem.
"Allah be praised!" announced Mullah Achmed Muhammad of Mecca. "I actually agree with the infidel Jew!"
"What's wrong with ham sandwiches?" argued Father Giovanni Devoto of Rome. "I eat them all the time and I'm not going to Hell."
"Of course you are," the three other clergymen said.
"Well, maybe you're not going to Hell for eating ham," Bombast allowed, "but you sure are for being a dirty Papist."
"If you'd like to turn that other cheek to me," Devoto answered, "I would be happy to smash my fist into it."
"Gentlemen," interjected Muhammad. "Remember that we are all men of God here. We believe in peace. There will be no hitting each other in this room. If you have a problem with a fellow member, wait until you go outside and then throw a bomb at him."
"Personally, I think the second biggest threat to humanity is television," said Devoto. "It is destroying our moral fiber."
"Now just hold on," said Bombast. "TV is just fine with me. I get most of my money from the appeals I make on my missionary programming."
"Why can't you avoid the Satanic tube and just hold bingo games like I do?" Devoto asked him.
"I thought we had agreed that gambling is the world's greatest threat to humanity," Macher reminded him.
"Who's talking about gambling?" Devoto replied. "There's no gambling in my bingo games. For every $100 worth of cards I sell I give $25 in prizes. That's not a gamble -- that's a sure thing."
"Bingo...televised appeals..what is this world coming to?" wondered Macher. "Why can't you raise money in a civilized way, like I do? I just wait until the High Holy Days, when the synagogue is completely full, and then I call out each man's name and ask him to announce publicly how much he is donating. I shame him into being generous, just like the Good Lord intended."
"I can't believe what I am hearing," said Muhammad sadly. "Don't the three of you realize that there is no need to take from the poor members of your congregations? Allah, in His wisdom, has created enough wealth in the very earth to provide for all our needs. When I want something, I just pump out some oil, sell it to you infidel dogs, and then buy the explosives I need."
"But isn't murder against the ten commandments?" asked Bombast.
"I'm not talking about murder," Muhammad replied angrily. "I am talking about a holy war of Jihad in which Allah is praised and I am guaranteed 72 virgins when I enter Paradise."
"Are you sure about that virgin thing?" Devoto asked with interest.
"Forget it," Bombast answered. "Virgins are nothing but a pain. Give me good solid sinner women any day."
"As long as they don't eat ham," Macher added.
"It doesn't look like we are going to reach agreement this time around on what is immoral besides gambling," said Bombast, "so why don't we just figure out where we will hold our next meeting?"
"I'll take the first step towards interfaith relations and suggest we go to Muhammad's hometown," said Devoto.
"No way," the mullah replied. "I wouldn't even be allowed to invite the Christian members to Mecca much less the filthy Zionist pig -- no offense intended. Besides, the town is boring. There's nothing to do there except walk in circles around a black rock."
"How about Jerusalem?" asked Bombast. "After all, it's holy to all of us."
"It might not be the best idea," Rabbi Macher said. "It's very dangerous there. Who knows when a bomb will go off next?"
"I do," said Muhammad.
"Rome?" the Baptist suggested.
"I think we should pass on Rome," said Devoto. "It is the home of La Dolce Vita with wild women and loads of alcohol."
"Sounds good to me," Macher told him.
"Me, too," Devoto agreed. "But if I'm going to have such a good time I'd better do it a little further away from Vatican eyes."
"How about Las Vegas?" Muhammad suggested.
"Show girls? Slots? Free booze? Is that such a good idea?" asked Bombast.
"It sounds like a great one to me," Macher told him. "As long, of course, as I can get to a buffet that doesn't have ham."
"But what about our resolution denouncing gambling?" asked the Baptist. "Won't we look a bit hypocritical?"
"It's okay," Muhammad said. "On the way out of town I can blow up a casino or two. That will prove that I am a true man of God."
"I have an even better idea," Devoto said. "We can issue a new resolution, endorsing gambling. That way we come off as religious reformers. Not only will it look good but we can probably get comped all over town in the future."
"That's a wonderful idea," Bombast said, "assuming of course that we make it very clear that we still find gambling on the internet to be immoral."
"Of course," Macher said. "After all, we are still responsible for the moral leadership of our fLocks."
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